*sigh*
I really, really didn’t want to play Bebe’s Kids. But, I thought I’d make this Retro Revival Week special, and since I wanted half of my week to be filled with awesome games and half of my week to be filled with crappy games, I just knew I had to play Bebe’s Kids.
Because nothing’s worse than Bebe’s Kids.
Bebe’s Kids is a game about two urban ghetto children named LaShawn and Kahlil. The main objective of the game is to walk around an amusement park and beat the crap out of anyone that you see.
Sounds promising, eh?
There’s just one, major problem with Bebe’s Kids that seriously dampens the gameplay. The enemies never friggen’ die. In technical terms, you have to move either LawShawn or Kahlil to the other side of the screen to progress to the next stage. To move to the other side of the screen, you have to defeat two or more enemies before you’re allowed to move on. But…the people just won’t die! The average enemy takes about 25 hits before they die, and there are a lot of enemies before you reach the end, and you’re on a time limit!
Making matters worse, your character walks like Niko Bellic (or for those of you who haven’t played GTAIV, like they have a stick up their ass) and the random items you can pick up are basically useless, as I couldn’t figure out how to use any of them.
I made it through four levels of Bebe’s Kids, which by my standards is pretty impressing. The second stage has you watching a baby crawl on a cabinet filled with glass objects.
Yeah, what?
So there’s this baby crawling on top of a cabinet with a bunch of glass dishes and stuff, and there is this guy running under the baby, trying to catch all of the glass objects that the baby drops. So I’m thinking to myself “Oh boy, how am I supposed to save that baby? Or am I supposed to help that guy catch the glass? Or is that baby one of my gangster compatriots and am I supposed to kill the guy?”
No, I was wrong. I forgot that the whole game was about being a no-good thug-fo’-life seven year old.
The real object is to jump into the air and either karate chop or roundhouse kick the glasses so they break and (technically) blister into this poor guy’s eyeballs while you stand there and laugh.
What the hell is wrong with this game?
After the House of Glass, the next stage has you beating the crap out of more of the amusement park attendees and their dogs. What is this? Metal Gear? Why am I punching dogs in the face?
The last stage, which I couldn’t beat, has you in this haunted house. The level works as a labyrinth, as there are a multitude of doors, secret areas, and trap doors you can go through, all while being chased by mummies, bats, and paintings that throw lollipops at you or something.
I don’t know what else to say. The game is just terrible. The characters are unlikable, the enemies never die, the levels suck, and the whole story is just messed up.
Play it if you’d like to, but you’ve been warned. This game will ruin your view on bad games and your day.
